I was born in 1963 in South Philadelphia. I spent my childhood and the first part of my adult life there. I lived in a row house. You can’t live too close to me, and streetlights don’t really bother me. Most of my parents’ siblings (my Aunts & Uncles) lived just a few blocks away. All were within walking distance. Those that didn’t live in the city lived immediately outside the city in Springfield, Havertown, Drexel Hill & Upper Darby. Others lived in southern Jersey. Everyone in the family lived within an hour or less. Now remember, I had 50 first cousins (just like in My Big Fat Greek Wedding). If all my cousins got together, we would rent a hall meant to hold 200, or meet at a state park. If we all lived within a mile radius, we would have formed our own neighborhood (your name would need to end in a vowel, or you can only visit).
When my sister Carmel got married and moved out, she moved to Drexel Hill (30 min). When my oldest brother Vito got married and moved, he moved to Northeast Philly (25 min.), then to Ewing Township, NJ (43 min.). When my middle brother Victor got married, they stayed in South Philly (10 min.), and then moved to southwest Philly (20 min.). Carmel’s kids either live in Philadelphia, Haverford, PA or Havertown, PA – no more than 30 minutes away. However, her son Nicholas did live in Russia for 3-6 months at a time over a 3 year period. Vito’s kids all live within 30 minutes of their parents. My brother Victor was divorced, so we won’t talk about his kids. That is a whole other story. Even when my parents and I moved from Philly to Mt. Ephraim, NJ (I lived at home until I was 25 and getting married) we weren’t more than 45 minutes from anyone. No, I wasn’t afraid to go out on my own. Yes, my mom still did things for me and made food, but I was a bachelor for 4 months every year when my parents went down the Jersey Shore (Wildwood) for the summer. I had the best of both worlds. Even though their nest was emptying out, it was never really “empty”. Someone was at their house each week or weekend, or we were all down the shore together on summer weekends.
Then there was me. The baby of the family, pushing the boundaries. My mother tried to fix me up with the daughter of every Italian friend she had. I chose someone from Delaware of Finnish descent.
“Finland, yes Finland”, I told her.
“Where the hell is that? She isn’t Italian?” she replied.
“No. Oh, and her mom is a Methodist minister”
“A what?”
“A Methodist Minister”
“You mean a woman priest?”
“Sort of”
“Can’t be. They don’t allow it”
“Maybe not in the Catholic church, but they do in the Methodist church”
“Ok, we will see”
My wife, the non-Italian with a strong personality, a feminist, and a mother who is a Methodist minister… My mother loved her. The feelings were mutual.
Jen and I married in 1989. We looked at houses in NJ & PA. Prices and taxes at that time were too high for what we could afford, and it just didn’t feel right. I wanted someplace different, though we still love to visit Philly & NJ. Jen was from north Wilmington. I liked the area, but not much was available. We ended up moving to New Castle, DE, only 20 minutes from my in-laws in north Wilmington.
“Mom, we are buying a place and moving to Delaware”
“Delaware?”
“Yes, Delaware. South of here but not too far.”
“What is wrong with Philly or NJ?”
“Nothing. Delaware is less expensive, less crowded, and we like it.”
“How far?”
“Maybe an hour or so, but not that far”
“I’ll never see you or the kids (she meant grandkids), whenever that is”
“It won’t be that bad. Whenever you and dad need something, just call. Any one of us will be there”
“We’ll see.”
We were there whenever they needed us, because they were always there for us.
My in-laws moved from north Wilmington to Middletown, DE, then to Earlville, MD along the Chesapeake Bay. Both locations were no more than 30 minutes from their kids. Once married, we moved back into my in-law’s house twice. Once, when we were moving between houses, and once when we were having our current house built. My in-laws were accustomed to having their time and space because all of their kids had moved out right after HS. Whether it was to college or just moving into a place of their own. Still, they all lived close to home except Ann who moved to the south (Mississippi & Louisiana). We could see my in-laws each week or on weekends at the bay. Someone was always over; the nest never seemed that empty. I never took the time to think about how either of our parents felt or what they were going through as their nest changed.
Fast forward to 2006. Ryan had graduated middle school and started high school at Charter School of Wilmington. The next year (sophomore year), Ryan was accepted to St. Andrew’s School in Middletown, DE. St. Andrew’s is a boarding school. Yup, a boarding school. Only 9 miles away from our house. Other boarding school options were not even discussed. In fact, boarding school was never an option until we became familiar with the folks at St. Andrew’s. Our nest was about to change for the first time. For 3 years it was Jen, Nathan and I in the house and Ryan living at St. Andrew’s. We went to all sporting events, shows, and exhibits supporting Ryan and the school. Students were over our house almost every weekend and for each Prom. They said they liked to get away from school – I think they just wanted me to cook dinner. It never felt like anything really changed. I remember one time between school breaks Ryan was in his room doing something. Can’t remember how we got to this part, but I remember the words at this point of the conversation distinctly. Ryan said something like “I don’t live here anymore, this isn’t my home”, to which I replied, “You may not live here now, but this will always be your home.”
I was trying not to show I was getting choked up while I said those words.
In 2010 Ryan was graduating from St. Andrew’s and heading off to Wake Forest in NC (8 hrs.), and two years later Nathan would start high school at St. Andrew’s. Wow, we were finally going to be empty nesters. That sounds like fun! One morning when both boys were home prior to the school year starting, I decided to have a little fun. I remembered a movie I had seen called ‘Failure to Launch’, where the father (played by Terry Bradshaw) is standing in his son’s former bedroom. The son (played by Mathew McConaughey) comes home from being away to find his father standing naked behind a fish tank in his former bedroom. The son cries out “What the hell are you doing in my room”? The father responds, “This is my naked room now!” Absolutely hilarious. SO, I stood in the second-floor hallway between the boys’ bedrooms and kept looking back and forth between both of them until they noticed. Ryan says, “What are you looking at?” With the movie fresh on my mind, I respond “Since you are both moving out, I’m trying to figure out what room I want for my naked room.” The look on their faces and the words that came out of their mouths was priceless…
Oh yea, so Nathan moved into St. Andrew’s (remember St. Andrew’s is only 9 miles away). We went to all of Nathan’s sporting events, musical performances, and some students were over our house most weekends and for each prom – probably for the same reason as Ryan and his friends. Word got out that the food at the KV house was good. The empty nest still didn’t seem that empty. Then it started: Nathan graduated St. Andrew’s & headed to Berklee College of Music in Boston, MA (5 ½ hrs.) and Ryan was doing graduate studies in NC (still 8 hrs.). The nest felt different again.
Fast forward again to 2020. Ryan has since graduated medical school, spent a year in Baltimore, MD (1 hr.) during which he came home as often as possible. Ryan eventually transitioned to his residency at Yale Hospital in New Haven, CT (4 hrs.). Nathan came home in March because of COVID, graduated from home and spent the next 2 years living with us producing, writing, and playing music while working for Delaware State Parks. Even though Nathan was home, he worked his schedule, had his own car and tried to give Jen and I as much space as possible. The nest didn’t seem that empty. It was a change, but not that bad. We respected each other’s time, space and personalities. The nest was feeling like old times. I knew it couldn’t last. Nathan had spent 2 years putting his career on hold while living at home. Even though he focused on his music & released 2 singles and an album, something was calling. COVID was subsiding, we were all vaxxed, and other musicians were telling Nathan he was too talented to stay in Delaware at this time. “You need to come out west for a while to pursue music. You can return to Delaware later.” What is wrong with Delaware?
We have been helping Nathan organize his things and pack his equipment for his move to Los Angeles, CA on July 1st. (2,720 miles, 5 days drive, 40 straight hours, or yes, I know, you can fly there). So focused on making sure he had everything he needed, making a list, checking it twice, packed his boxes, packed the moving pod for shipping and reviewing his travel plans, I never took the time to think what it meant to me… to us. It wasn’t until late one night, I was watching a Netflix show and wrapping some artwork he would take with him on his move, did it hit me. The tears started to flow. If you know me, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Not afraid to show my emotions. Maybe it was the show’s subject matter (an absent father coming back to be a part of his son’s lives), or that I realized what we had been doing the last 2 weeks, but it hit me. It’s not that I have been an absent father. I have a great relationship with my boys. At least, I tell myself I do. I’ve been their father, their friend, and their cheerleader. They have been my sons, my sounding boards, and my general council on life issues. I realized the nest was really going to change, this time for a while. Ryan will be in New Haven, CT for 3 more years and Nathan will be in Los Angeles, CA for the foreseeable future. It will truly be Jen and me. No, that is not why I cried. I cried because I will miss them. The times when we can get together will be less and further apart. The technological benefits we have at our disposal today will help that more than it has for those in the past. I know if we need them, they will be there. This time will be different.
Jen and I will be good. I look forward to it. We have shared interests, common friends and we have our own life’s ambitions. Though we have experienced shortened versions of an empty nest before, someone was always close by. This will allow us to grow together deeper, travel more, and spend time with friends while pursuing our own joys. We will be there if either of the boys needs help, have questions, or need advice. We are proud of who they have become. This time it will be much more different.
I’ve often wondered how birds and other animals do this. Give birth, feed & raise their young, then let them fledge. I assume at a much younger age. I wonder if they feel any emotion. Your nest is your nest! Watch it and take care of it. Realize it will change whether you like it or not. Hopefully each change will bring joy in its own way.
P.S. I can finally have my naked room!